Halftime — Recon Complete

Halftime — Recon Complete…

June 18, 2010

I had walked around the desert for eight, going on nine years, believing some things to be certainly true.

The intel I had been getting over those years told me the things that I had known as “truth” in my life were still truths … nothing had changed.

I suppose it was because I was, as we all are, getting closer to the clearing at the end of my path I needed  to go and either confirm or invalidate these truths that I had believed for the better part of 20 years.

I had been telling this fellow I knew out west that I was headed back east, I had been telling him that for about 2 years.

So I finally went.

And was I surprised?

For years I have believed that when a person allows his character and integrity to be compromised and will let others “use” them for their own plans and purposes, then everyone that comes upon that person has an unqualified right to “use” them. For by their own actions they have said “I can be had”.

So for years, rightly or wrongly, I had been using “those that were for them”.

My intel proved to be quite accurate.

No, I was not surprised.

Was I disappointed?

About 20 years ago, I learned the truth, that a person that I held closer to myself than my own heart, was against me.

It took about five years of God dealing with my anger at this realization for me to come to acceptance that most people took this same stance, regardless of what words they spoke to me.

Thus, for  15 years I had been living in the acceptance that most faces that I held dear … were turned against me.

No, I was not disappointed.

Was I discouraged?

I know that people of no character and standards will hide it the dark and whisper their lies.

I know that when a person is speaking truthfully, they will not try to disassociate themselves with the truth of what they are saying.

They will step into the light and “have their say”

Killers and Spoilers (those that come to steal, kill and destroy) always have and always will stay in the recesses of the darkest corner to speak their lies.

They are ashamed of their words and actions and do not want to be associated with them.

They are like “the cancer”. Full of poison.

You throw some dust in the air, find out which way the wind is blowing and step out in the middle of the street and “put it on the line”.

They will show themselves.

No, I was not discouraged.

OK, now what?

For years I have sifted through the words and statements of myself and others. Separating the true from the false.

I know that you can get too much information, which could lead to a state of confusion.

So truly a person needs only enough information to make an informed decision.

I have seen enough.

Now what.

Halftime — Recon Complete…

No matter how successful or unsuccessful the first half was.

The number one thing on any coaches’ mind should be “the bringing about of a Successful End Game”.

OK . Business as usual.

I  am a GunSlinger.

I walk alone.

Forgetting Those Things…

Forgetting Those Things…

Jan 23, 2010

You know memories are a good thing … one of the best of things.

It helps up by giving a reference to some decision we need to make at present.

It allows us a reason for hope despite what may presently appear to be so.

It gives us a reason to smile when we think upon those sweet moments of time past.

It is the total sum of each of our lives … in the final analysis.

But as with memories, there comes a time when we must move out of this present moment into the future of what God has planned for each of us.

I have, I believe, been most fortunate as compared to other men.  As God has allowed me to go many places and see many things.

Some things good. Some things bad. All things necesseary.

I have seen some of the most beautiful sunsets the eye could ever behold.

I have live through many of the most clearest desert nights, watching the moon cross the night sky being trailed by a satellite.

I have been up early watching the sun rise, at the exact moment when night turns into day, as the dawning sun etched the mountain peaks with a lining of gold.

It was a beautiful sight to behold.

I have seen death, deceit and destruction.

The things that one man will do towards another.

All because of a black hatred that has filled their hearts with meaness or just plain old greed.

I have seen lives shattered from addiction (not just from drugs or alcohol), but  to power and an ever growing lust for control.

I have seen good men led into taking part in some great wickedness, being convinced they were doing some good and noble service.

I have been, as the lives of men go, most blessed.

To have been so many places and seen so many things because in all that I have seen, in every instance I have seen the hand of God at work in the affairs of men.

And in having seen all that I have seen, my hope has only increased, my faith has been strengthened.

It allow me to move forward, out of this present time knowing one day this also will be a sweet memory, a useful memory.

To move forward into what God has said is necessary …. For my good … For His purpose.

Without fear or doubt, for I am assured by His word.

Act 20:22  And now, behold, I go bound in the spirit unto Jerusalem, not knowing the things that shall befall me there:

Act 20:23  Save that the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city, saying that bonds and afflictions abide me.

Act 20:24  But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.

I can go through the opened door ….. Amen.

A Dream And A Vision…

A Dream And A Vision…

January 2, 2010

The Final Leg

There is, for me anyway, a distinct difference between a dream and a vision.

A dream happens in the unconscious state of sleeping, can last from what seem like mere seconds to what seems like forever.

It can be a one time event or be the recurring kind. May or may not have bearing on some current or future event.

My dreams, the important ones at least, have been the short, few seconds, recurring (lasting over a span of 20 years) and have always had some bearing on future events concerning me or someone else.

Now a vision on the other hand never happens when you are in the unconscious state of sleep and mine have always lasted on a few seconds or so.

They have always come to me with crystal clarity and there is no mistaking what I have seen.

Most of the time I see “Things”.

It is the best I can describe them. Except to say, I know they are wholly evil and they have come to wreak havoc.

I won’t mention the one I saw in the pallet yard riding around with Billy, to this day I still wonder whatever happened with him … to him, but that was his battle.

The next time I saw it was as I was lying awake in bed at the William Booth looking out the window.

And there It sat on the limb of the tree outside the window. Shortly thereafter the trouble began.

(get ref. file to Seattle incident dated April thru June 2006)

 

 

It was around mid May 2009.

I was sleeping in the cab in the parking lot of the QT in Phoenix AZ and I was having this nightmarish dream of the vamp-things tapping on the windows of the cab trying to get in.

I looked around and they were all around the car, at every window, pulling on the door handles.

It was hot and I always slept with the air on and the doors locked.

It seemed so real …. But it was only a dream.

You see, I have had enough dreams concerning the battles to know what a dream is.

I have also had enough visions to know what “Thing” the enemy will be.

Because on awakening from that dream I looked out the window up in the tree that was in the QT parking lot….

And there It sat, up on the limb, the very same one I had seen slightly more than 3 years earlier in Seattle.

Looking at me, her leg dangling and swing.

So I knew a battle line had been drawn and what I was to be prepared for…

And so the attacks and persecution began.

In every area from personal attacks,  physical, emotional, but mostly spiritual (after all these are spiritual battles that we wage) and on to financial.

I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to give things and persons sent by Satan power in my life by speaking or dwelling on them long.

I know that God sees all … and judges all.

So even before the final horrific thing that was done intentionally. God assured me there was a path to victory here and what I was to do was to ….

Keep my eyes on Jesus and keep putting one foot in front of the other and leave the consequences to Him

That is what I have done …. And continue doing…

So, here  I am, exactly a year to the day of my younger brothers death,  on the final leg of my journey … heading home.

Not a part of anything that I had planned, but as I have true as so many times before…..

What Satan plans for evil in our lives, God works to the good.

Rom 8:28  And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

January 9, 2010

Amen.

The Low People…

The Low People…

 Dec. 20,2009

I saw a movie once, about 12 – 15 years ago.

 I forget the entire plot of the movie but in this one particular part there was a man whose role was that of an Insurance Scam Artist.

The locale of this part of the movie took place in New York City and his scam was to jump out in front of oncoming cars and trucks and collect on damages.

 Now I immediately see a couple of things wrong.

1. How did this scam artist know that the vehicle carried insurance?

2. How did this scam artist know that the driver would not flee the scene.

Which brings me to the point of accidents … or should I say “intentional accidents” and all the factors and variables that must be considered to successfully pull one off.

I say factors and variables because factors are a known quantity, variables are an unknown quantity.

Factors such as… How fast is the vehicle moving.

When does the pedestrian need to move into the path of the vehicle to make it appear as though he came out of nowhere.

This list can be pared down to at least, say, less than 10.

Variables like …

In which direction will the impact knock the pedestrian?

Maybe into the path of another oncoming vehicle. 18 wheeler perhaps?

Can the body survive another strike from another vehicle?

This list could be endless …. And fatal.

Due to the nature of accidents, intentional or otherwise, the number of variables, unknown quantities, can never be brought to a low enough number as to assure a successful “intentional accident”.

Let alone taking the Act Of God factor into consideration.

It could lead to a tragic end.

What would you say about a person such as this.

What if, God forbid, some person dared someone to try such a thing.

What if a group of people (low people) asked someone to do something like this intentionally.

If you knew, could you not only condone but agree to go along with something as evil as asking someone to do something that could take their life.

I don’t think that would be the reasonable thinking of a person of conscious.

On that day I would not want to stand before God with their blood on my hands.

I believe there is a difference between wrong, something that we all do and are guilty of, and evil.

I believe that God distinguishes between wrong and evil.

Evil are the things that His Word says are an abomination and a stench in His nostrils.

Yes, the scam artist was wrong.

But in this world there are some things and people (low people) that are evil.

And that’s all I got to say about that.

Eph 4:27 Neither give place to the devil.

A Matter Of Demonic Possession…

A Matter Of Demonic Possession…

 

September 28, 2009

(10 years … 5 days after I first saw It)

 

Before I began to write about this, and tell whoever reads these words.  There are two terms that we must define and come to terms (get your hands around) with.

 

1. Succubus

 

From Wikipedia:

In medieval legend, a ‘succubus‘ (plural succubi; from Latin succubare, “to lie under”) is a female demon which comes to men, especially monks, in their dreams to seduce them and have sexual intercourse with them, drawing energy from the men to sustain themselves, often until the point of exhaustion or death. This legend was an explanation for the phenomena of wet dreams and sleep paralysis. Lilith and the Lilin ( Jewish), Belili ( Sumerian) and Rusalka ( Slavic) were succubi.

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From www.hypnosisinmedia.com.

Incubus and Succubus: In medieval lore, a succubus was a female spirit that would lay with men to steal their seed: it was given as an explanation of night arrousal and wet dreams. It was also paired with the incubus, the male form, sometimes transforming between the two forms to pass along the stolen seed to unknowing women. In later stories, especially in contemporary horror writing, both would be given hypnotic powers that would give them the ability to command and compell members of the opposite sex.

---

From occultopedia.com

A lewd female demon or goblin which takes on the illusory appearance of a female human being and seeks sexual intercourse with men, usually while they are asleep.

The princess of all the succubi (plural) is Nahemah. Its male counterpart is called Incubus. A semi-human offspring is called Cambion.

According to the view of most medieval theologians, incubi outnumbered succubi by nine to one, but the ladies made up in menace for what they lacked in numbers by being alluring and persuasive, using their considerable charms to seduce men and lead them to eternal damnation.

---

From Legends of the Succubus

The succubus is a demon from legend that supposedly preys on mortal men while he sleeps; a sexual vampire of sorts. The actual name has its origins from late Latin- succuba meaning prostitute, which in turn comes from medieval Latin sub cubaire meaning ‘that which lies beneath’. The male version is the incubus (from Latin- ‘that which lies above’). There are some sources who claim that the succubus and the incubus are one and the same creature who can change form at will to prey on mortals.

In medieval times, the succubus was seen as a fearsome creature who killed her victims by drinking their breath. This is interesting in that, at the time, the breath was seen as a part of the person’s spirit, and in doing so, the succubus was thought to be stealing the victim’s soul. Later, the habits of the succubus were deemed to of a more sexual than vampiric nature, and this notion probably arose from the change in social climate that saw sexual deviancy as a mortal sin, and so, those who committed such a sin against God, were deserving of their fate in some way.

 

 

 

 

1. Demonic Possession.

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Demonic possession is often the term used to describe the control over a human form by a demon. Descriptions of demonic possessions often include: erased memories or personalities, convulsions, “fits” and fainting as if one were dying.^[1] Unlike in channeling or other forms of possession, the subject has no control over the possessing entity and so it will persist until forced to leave the victim, usually through a form of exorcism. Other descriptions include access to hidden knowledge and foreign languages, drastic changes in vocal intonation and facial structure, sudden appearance of injury (scratches, bite marks) or lesions, and superhuman strength.

Many cultures and religions contain some concept of demonic possession, but the details vary considerably. The Roma people believe that demons can also possess animals, plants, deceased persons or inanimate objects.

The oldest references to demonic possession are from the Sumerians, who believed that all diseases of the body and mind were caused by “sickness demons” called gidim or gid-dim ^[2]. The priests who practiced exorcisms in these nations were called ashipu (sorcerer) as opposed to an asu (physician) who applied bandages and salves^[3]. Many cuneiform tablets contain prayers to certain gods asking for protection from demons, while others ask the gods to expel the demons that have invaded their bodies.

Most illustrations portray these spirits as small, sadistic-looking or tormented-looking beings with a human likeness. Demons are often referenced as familiars. Witches would provide shelter and nourishment via the witches’ teat in exchange for the valuable services of familiars.^[4]

Shamanic cultures also believe in demon possession and shamans perform exorcisms too; in these cultures often diseases are attributed to the presence of a vengeful spirit or (loosely termed) demon in the body of the patient. These spirits are more often the spectres of animals or people wronged by the bearer, the exorcism rites usually consisting of respectful offerings or sacrificial offerings.

The Malleus Maleficarum speaks about some exorcisms that can be done in different cases. Depending on the severity of the alleged possession, solutions range from prayers of deliverance to the Solemn Rite of Exorcism as practiced by the Catholic Church.

 

 

3       Demonic Attacks

Source Reference @ http://te-deum.blogspot.com/2009/08/phoenix-bishop-discusses-satanic.html

 

 

Aug 20, 2009

Phoenix Bishop discusses Satanic attacks experienced by St.John Vianney

In the Year for Priests, St. John Vianney’s life is examined more closely. Bishop Thomas Olmsted of Phoenix, talks about demonic attacks suffered by the saint.

From the Catholic Sun:

Year for Priests: St. John Vianney

 

The influence of the devil can never overcome the power of God’s grace. Jesus assures us of this when He tells Peter (Mt 16:18), “I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it.” But the evil one, nonetheless, continues to tempt and test all of us during our life on earth.

 

 

Satanic attacks were commonplace in the life of Fr. John Vianney. For 35 years, the devil taunted and harassed him, not only in spiritual ways but even in tangible and audible ones. These latter, demonic acts normally are quite rare. But, by the influence of the devil, the Cure of Ars’ bed was moved about, crashing noises resounded, fires were ignited, and other harassments occurred, all in an effort to stop or at least to curtail the priestly ministry of Fr. Vianney. Why did God allow these to occur?

 

Infestations by the devil

Fallen angels, also known as devils and evil spirits, try to hinder all of us in our pursuit of holiness. Their ordinary ploy is by means of temptations, which God allows so that we can make good use of our freedom in resisting them and thus growing to fuller maturity in Christ.

In addition to these ordinary ploys, demons resort to other extraordinary acts, on rare occasions, with the same intention of thwarting the plan of God and undercutting our filial trust in Him. These harassments can be of three kinds: infestations, obsessions and possessions.

With infestations, the devil makes use of noises, outcries, rattling, apparitions and other extraordinary outbursts of some sensible nature aimed at terrifying people, intending to undercut their confidence in God. He used these repeatedly on the Cure of Ars, sometimes to keep him from getting badly needed sleep, at other times to disturb his peace of mind and to try to shake his trust in God. All these were aimed at disrupting the effective ministry of this holy priest.

 

 

Obsession and possession by the devil

The Cure of Ars himself never suffered from demonic obsession or possession, but he dealt with them in others whom he served in his sacred ministry. With obsession, the devil goes beyond infestations and actually plays on the external senses of the body or influences a person’s memory or imagination. In cases of possession, which are even more rare than those of obsession, the devil actually uses the whole human organism, with the exception of the mind and will.

The suffering that obsession and possession bring to a person is almost unimaginable. Moreover, to be freed of these satanic harassments, the Church’s sacred power from Christ is needed. This is why bishops appoint exorcists in their dioceses to offer pastoral care for persons afflicted by the devil in these horrifying ways. Through prayers of deliverance and the rites of exorcism, persons are freed from satanic power and their peace of heart and soul is restored.

Very easily, these harassments by the devil can be misunderstood and even exploited by sensationalist segments of the media or by enemies of the Church. For that reason, the Church avoids publicity about them and handles each case without fanfare.

 

But it is more than foolish for any of us to dismiss the reality of the devil and his works of darkness, for as St. Peter warns (1 Pet 5:8-9), “Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings.”

Source Reference @ http://www.bible-knowledge.com/battle-command-against-demonic-spirits.html

….. Like it or not, we have all been born into a war zone as result of what happened in the story of Adam and Eve. And not only are we all stuck having to battle with people who have chosen with their own free wills to live this life on the dark side, but we are also stuck with having to do battle with demonic spirits from time to time.

….. Many Christians have been lured and pulled into some of the dark ways and areas of these demons, and as a result, many have either died before their time was really up in the Lord, or they have been forced to live with the extreme consequences of some of the bad choices they have made.

 

….. That is why the Bible tells us in the following verse:

“BE SOBER, BE VIGILANT; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. RESIST HIM, STEADFAST IN THE FAITH, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.” (1 Peter 5:8)

 

….. If you look closely at the wording in the above verse – you can really feel the solemn warning the Lord is trying to give to us. The verse starts out with 4 very powerful words in that we are to “be sober” and that we are to “be vigilant” in dealing with the reality of Satan and his demonic spirits.

It then goes one step further and says that we are to “resist him” by being “steadfast in the faith.” Resisting the devil means you stand, fight and directly engage with him and his demons if you have to.

 

….. When demons try to attack you from an outside position – they will basically try one of two things:

1. They will either try and hinder you in trying to progress from point A to point B in your walk with the Lord.
    
2. Or they will try and start playing mind-games with you in an effort to try and throw you into some kind of mental torment and sever your spiritual connection with the Lord.

When they move in for an attack in order to try and start playing mind-games with you – they will try and throw you into a depression, try to steal your joy and zest for living, and try to get you to start thinking very critically and judgmentally towards others so as to attack others to cause dissension and disunity among family, friends and co-workers. They will also try to attack your personal relationship with the Lord.

 

….. Their mission is simply to “seek and destroy.” The above verse literally says that Satan is looking for those who he can “devour.” The word devour is an all-encompassing word. It means total and complete destruction and annihilation on whoever they may be coming after. Demons have absolutely no mercy on their victims. Their goal is total death and destruction on the ones they are attacking if they can go that far with it.

 

….. You are a soldier of Jesus Christ! Realize this fact – and directly engage with the enemy if that enemy should ever attempt to attack either you, anyone in your family, or any of your close friends.

2Co 10:3  For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:

2Co 10:4  (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

2Co 10:5  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

2Co 10:6  And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

 

Note, Those that drive Christ from them, draw all miseries upon them. Woe unto us, if God depart from us.

 

….A Soldiers’ Reward (click to read)

(It came to me in a dream … as do other things)

 

……….

 

Act 5:29  Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.

Act 5:30  The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom ye slew and hanged on a tree.

Act 5:31  Him hath God exalted with his right hand to be a Prince and a Saviour, for to give repentance to Israel, and forgiveness of sins.

Act 5:32  And we are his witnesses of these things; and so is also the Holy Ghost, whom God hath given to them that obey him.

Act 5:33  When they heard that, they were cut to the heart, and took counsel to slay them.

Act 5:34  Then stood there up one in the council, a Pharisee, named Gamaliel, a doctor of the law, had in reputation among all the people, and commanded to put the apostles forth a little space;

Act 5:35  And said unto them, Ye men of Israel, take heed to yourselves what ye intend to do as touching these men.

Act 5:36  For before these days rose up Theudas, boasting himself to be somebody; to whom a number of men, about four hundred, joined themselves: who was slain; and all, as many as obeyed him, were scattered, and brought to nought.

Act 5:37  After this man rose up Judas of Galilee in the days of the taxing, and drew away much people after him: he also perished; and all, even as many as obeyed him, were dispersed.

Act 5:38  And now I say unto you, Refrain from these men, and let them alone: for if this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to nought:

Act 5:39  But if it be of God, ye cannot overthrow it; lest haply ye be found even to fight against God.

 

……….

 

Heb 10:30  For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.

Heb 10:31  It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

October 11, 2009

 

There is a NetherWorld.

 

That place where the bad things live and play …. And sometimes they come on this side to visit.

 

And I don’t care what anyone else says.

 

Doors can be opened between where we live and where they live…..

 

I have a question.

Over the past 10-plus years I have posed this question to a number of people.

Some were ministers of churches, others in the clergy and your so-called bible scholars.

 

All have danced around the answer. Either out of fear or just in knowing the truth of the answer, they were unable to voice their thoughts on the matter.

 

Wanna hear it … here it goes

 

Q. If on the Day Of  Pentecost and the Apostles and others were gather together, in one accord and the Holy Spirit came upon them…

 

Act 2:1  And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place.

Act 2:2  And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.

Act 2:3  And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them.

Act 2:4  And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.

 

 

Now that is bible truth.

 

What if many were gathered togethered with one accord (of hate and anger in a spirit of conspiracy).

Is it possible that the spirit of the above things would manifest itself here on this side.

 

Now you might ask what spirit would this be.

 

The answer is obvious … the opposite of the Holy Spirit.

 

The Unholy Spirit…. 

 

The Entity Manifestation

4:25am on September 28, 2009

45619   Jenni Horstnan  2029 N 12^th St  Phoenix AZ

Hate Revealed … Poison Spews…

Sept. 04, 2009

 After trying to come to terms of my last brothers death and the seeing for the first time (in a long time), I had not talked to anyone back east since the beginning of summer.

 There were a few phone calls from sisters and my daughter, but now at this point I had begun to accept the level of hatred in their hearts. So, intentionally I did not call them, I needed a break from their kind of “love”.

 Anyway on the night of Sept 3^rd 2009, I had a dream about my older sister. So I knew something had happened.

 I had been telling them for years about my dreams and how I knew about the things that I did.

 They said I was crazy, but now I realize that they did not believe that anymore than when I told (and tried to show) them how much I loved them.

 On the following afternoon my younger sister called me with the news that our sister had suffered a stroke. I learned she was doing okay but was hospitalized.

 I told my little sister to give her a kiss and tell her I loved her, that I had to go and said goodbye.

 A short while later I got a call from my daughter.

 The usual conversation, Hi, how are you doing, where have you been and why no calls.

 I told her my phones were working fine and had she left any messages on vmail for me.

 I was driving my cab on the way to the hospital on Friday evening traffic and rapidly approaching a broke down city bus.

 I said to my daughter that I was on the way to pickup someone at the hospital and needed to maneuver und this bus and traffic and had to go.

 It would seem, at least to me, in that situation that was a normal conversation.

 But as the following series of text messages from her will reveal. There was more to it and this was just another “red herring”.

 I have to say at this point, that after almost a decade of going from place to place, observing people … myself included. That when a person is caught guilty they immediately become offended and try to shift the blame of their action on others.

 I am as guilty of this as anyone else.

 For instance, when a person is caught in a lie, their response may be, “Yes maybe, BUT YOU SAID…..”

 If a person is caught taking something that is not theirs (aka stealing), they may say, “Yeah, but EVERYONE DOES IT”

 Why is it that guilt only bothers people when they are caught?

 

The messages sent

 

9/4/2009 5:06:23 PM

Thatvwas really rude dad. N I dont remember u ever gettin off the phone without saying u love.. U know i.ve called u I dont have to leave a msg just like

 

9/4/2009 5:06:35 PM

ent wit pics of the kids… N also my attemts to talk to u on facebook. I reach out to u regularly… As regular as we r n e way… Bullshit that u just

 

9/4/2009 5:06:53 PM

u knew it was me tonite u knew it the other times I called to. U got my txt too u know the ones I sent that said jut checkin on you dad.. Or the one I s

 

9/4/2009 5:06:54 PM

treated ne the way u did….

 

After thes 4 messages I sent a reply, divided over her 4 sent messages back to her…

 

 

The messages sent with my reply follows…

 

9/4/2009 5:06:23 PM

Thatvwas really rude dad. N I dont remember u ever gettin off the phone without saying u love.. U know i.ve called u I dont have to leave a msg just like

 

My reply and send

So many years wasted…

 

9/4/2009 5:06:35 PM

ent wit pics of the kids… N also my attemts to talk to u on facebook. I reach out to u regularly… As regular as we r n e way… Bullshit that u just

 

My reply and send

Trying to love those people

 

9/4/2009 5:06:53 PM

u knew it was me tonite u knew it the other times I called to. U got my txt too u know the ones I sent that said jut checkin on you dad.. Or the one I s

 

My reply and send

That hate you….

 

9/4/2009 5:06:54 PM

treated ne the way u did….

 

My reply and send

With all their heart…

 

 

That was it as a response goes, just a clear and unbiased look at the truth I realized I had to face.

 

It had taken to losing of 2 brothers to realize I had no sisters, kids or anyone to go back to in that other life.

 

I had, in continuing to try and love overlooked (not as in not seen but as in not counted against) all that was done against me.

 

Like what she had done while her and her boyfriend were visiting me in Charlotte NC …..or what she was told to try and do the time her and her younger brother went to Virginia Beach with me on my vacation.  She was 17 at the time, he was 16.

 

Now the series of messages began….

 

9/4/2009 8:50:48 PM

With reason…. They hated you… And any man who really wants the love of his children…. The love that comes unconditionally from children… The love

 

9/4/2009 8:50:56 PM

that has to be pissed away bye an adult who only cares about himself… If he really wanted it, he.d work a his ass off and never ever consider that wor

 

9/4/2009 8:51:12 PM

k a waste of time… I see your still the same selfish child that left us all those yrs ago… Gro up…

 

I then sent her a message stating

“Finally we are on the same page”

 

The messages continue….

 

9/4/2009 9:26:15 PM

Actually daddy, we r not. U wish we were… I think part of ur problem is u want so badly for us to be on the same page, but U keep effin that up… I wi

 

9/4/2009 9:26:38 PM

ll never have to work for the love of my children… Never will they feel abandoned by me never will they will they be without me or their FATHER… beca

 

9/4/2009 9:26:39 PM

use we r adults who work everyday to make sure THEY r loved.. U were never capable of that… N i.m sure it really sucks to be u…

 

9/4/2009 9:33:03 PM

At some point daddy…. U have to realize that not everything is about u… That their are people who care about u… That that unconditional love never

 

9/4/2009 9:33:16 PM

really went anywhere.. It just needs to be nurtured…. Again somethin you cannot seem to grasp… I reach out to u because I see all that u are missin a

 

9/4/2009 9:33:30 PM

nd I feel bad for u… But if you are goin to continue to slam the door in my face I can walk away just like u….. I.m thirty years old. I havent cried

 

9/4/2009 9:33:40 PM

for my daddy in years… I.m over it… This is your loss the soober you realize that the better off u will be….

 

 

Somewhere along the way she relizes that I am not about to diginify her so called concerns with a response and I will not enter into the argument she is trying to incite.

 

I would not … could not with her, she is my child.

 

I simply see this as another “red herring”. Like so many others she has been a party to over the years…

 

And I just do not respond.

 

What I will do with these messages is post them with my other writings over the years, put them on my blog and when I feel a moment of loneliness and loss I will go back and reread them….as a reminder to me of the hate and poison planted in her by others.

 

Also I will take them to the grave with me and when I get to heaven and see Jesus, I will place them at His feet.

 

I won’t ask Him why, though he knows all about the why’s of each of our lives.

 

I will place them at His feet knowing that whatever I did to deserve that from her …. He has forgiven.

Death Revisted…

Death Revisited…

June 13, 2009

Back in January 2009, with the word of my little brothers’ death, something happened.

Something happened to me … and inside of me.

I know because when it happened … I felt it.

I told this fellow I knew, a former friend, about it when it happened.

I told him, “You know something is not the same, I feel different now.”.

As much as I tried to in that moment, I was just not able to put my arms around just what that thing was.

Now, 5 months later,  I have it fully engulfed in my grasp … my realm of experience.

I had always, for the past 7 years – since June 2002,  looked to the day when I would go back east, seeing my family, old friends — to finish up ‘on the road’.

I had, I suppose, believed time to be the great healer — of wounds, of lies and deceit.

So, with the passing of the years, and the same continued behavior I began to sense that day would be far off in the future.

I lost both my brothers while on the road.  Most recently with my younger brother I began to feel and see a disconnect in my relationship with other members of my family, sisters, daughter, sons.

I suppose with my older brother, our connection was that we had grown up together, from children to men.

Played together, ran together, partied together and — cried together.

The connect with my little brother, although not raised together with my older brother and myself, due to the difference in our ages.

As young men with jobs, we took it upon ourselves (a brotherly, wordless agreement) that our baby brother would be taken care of. You know the basic neccesities, and the birthdays, and the money for things he wanted along the road of life.

Now, with the death of my little brother, there was a disconnect.

And that was what I felt back in January 2009, when he died.

I suppose I felt no great disconnect when my older brother died in December 2003, because my little brother was still alive.

So, now after 5 months of reaching but just not feeling  what that difference was.

So, now after of years of the same behavior of other family members.

I finally got my arms around the truth of this matter.

I no longer have any connection to those people back east, in that other lifetime.

That great void between has been completed and that longed looked for and happy day of reunion will never come.

It hurts deeply, so deep, but it feels good and peaceful to have come full circle in, at least, this matter of family connection.

There is none anymore.

I guess I had not earned the right to continue holding the title of father and brother.

I did the best that I knew how.

 Much love….

Things Change …..

Things … Change –

 May 11, 2009

 I would guess that time changes things — all things.

 With the passage of months, the seasons change – along with the weather.

 Cities can change dramatically over time. Have you ever went back to your hometown after being away for an extended period.

Looking for a park you used to play in, a high school you attended – the ol’ hangout.

They may not be there any longer, if they are, are  probably greatly changed.

The passage of  time also changes people.

Not just the apparent physical changes … graying hair, extended waistline.

It even changes the personality, the essence of the person.

Their ideals, beliefs … even their standards.

Say after a period of 10 years, a decade, people I have learned change dramatically.

Continued …..

The Command Has Been Breached…

Feb 9, 2009

The Command Has Been Breeched…

 

It reminded me of that day back in 1994 or 95, back when I was working for that cigarette company back in NC.

 

I went to work on the 2^nd shift one day and was summoned to the office of the supervisor that sent operators to man specific equipment other than their own machines.  My machine was H5 packer.

 

You see they had this habit of trying to irritate me by sending me to run some machine o J row on Fridays, as I always had to work over and clean up the machine after the shift.

 

So I takes my tool box and goes to this office.  Now inside this office was about the last 5 supervisors that I had work for in this plant over the years … and there was a shit eating grin on their faces.  What I noticed right away was that the Union Shop Steward was there also.

 

February 2, 2009

 

With my return to Phoenix AZ and to CANV via day labor it would seem that all was normal.  Except I knew what had happened in New Mexico (See Here). So I knew what was going to take place here.

 

I had come to place around men. Men that I knew would do what men should do.

It did not matter what the situation was I had only met one group of such men.

 

I also knew that when they did what they should do, the dust would begin to settle.

 

But, even with this group of men, my belief that in every situation, with every person, that there is a well defined walk away point. (See Here)

 

If a man walks with his eyes open, accepting the truths of a situation, he will see that point.

 

I saw it, did not allow me to fool myself with false wishes, and I walked away.

 

I walked away with my head up because in this situation, as with others, I had lied to no one, had not used others to lie to anyone, I had taken nothing from anyone.

 

I walked away because I owed these men nothing.

 

I did nothing but go to work and watch Big Jim and his men do everything from trying to help set me up to lose my place to live, being the guest of honor at one of “their” dinner and a movie event to working with Little John everyday as he tried to get me to say and do things that I could lose my job for.

 

Even to having this fellow named Wally attempt to work me and shame me into walking off the job.

 

I suppose they didn’t know about my boot camp training to out work and out think people like Wally.

 

I did nothing because this was not my battle, it was Gods’. I was just to walk, endure and trust in His victory.

 

I was to walk away from this place and them with my head up knowing I had acted in no way or done anything against any man that I need be ashamed of.

 

And therein lies the victory.

Last Man Standing…..

Last Man Standing…..

January 11, 2009

 

For the past 6 ½ or 7 years, I have been tromping around these desert places. The American southwest.

 

Twice, I have brokedown and cried the deepest, heart felt loss in half built buildings.

 

Twice, I have lost a brother…

 

I have no more.

 

I had two brothers, one older – Clarence Kenneth McKenzie, one younger – Ralph Eric McKenzie.

 

Do not misunderstand, there were regular men, mere mortals. Prone to all the normal afflictions of this life.

 

But, of the three of us, I – Gary Wayne McKenzie, had always, without exception lived a live of excess and selfishness.

 

……….

 

I always thought, wanted to believe, they would be around long after I was gone. Enjoying grandkids and children, those they had built their lives around.

 

I believe, inside somewhere, that I did not want to experience this great loss.

 

It would seem that God had other plans for the three of us.

 

Who would have ever believed that I would be the last man standing…

 

January 24, 2009…

 

I have pushed on.

 

Day by day, step by step I have continued on my journey.

 

Filling each day with the necessary things that must be done … in order to survive my valley.

 

I hurt so deep, inside. Perhaps it is fear.

 

Up until December 2003, I always had my big brother. Whenever I needed another man to talk to … he was always there.  Just like when we were kids.

 

Even with my little brother, I always held out hope that the thing dividing us would, could be bridged. That, along with him is gone.

 

So there is only forward.

 

There is nothing behind me to hold, cling to.

 

Forgetting those things which are behind, I press forward.

 

Maybe, God being merciful, I will get a visit from Eric, like I did from Kenny that night in 2004 in the pallet yard.  To encourage me on. It was the best night I can remember.

 

A man must always have hope.

 

My hope now lies on that other shore…

 

I love you both….